I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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