i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
