I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
