I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
