I heard we made out
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
