Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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