I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
