party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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