If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
