I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize