textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
