If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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