im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
