Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
