I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If its not for food we ain't going out.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
