I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
