I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
