Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
