i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize