One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
