They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize