Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
