The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize