I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
