is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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