I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Randomize
