I wish my penis had an off switch
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
