and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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