God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
