How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
