i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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