I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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