Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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