Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
operation harelip BJ is a go
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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