Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
