My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
