He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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