Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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