How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
