my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
