why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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