I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am naked and annoyed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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