I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
