Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
