My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
