Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
