was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just pee around me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
True strength comes from lack of pants
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
