Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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