I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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