lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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