you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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