Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
