god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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