I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
