Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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