When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
