Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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