One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
