apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
